Here are some of my journal entries about my introduction to Kunlun Neigung, deciding to pursue the practice, and a few dreams I had during that time period. Every once in a while, I insert a current comment in brackets:
5-27-08 – Had a wonderful time with N. the other day. He came down after a ceremony in Joshua Tree late Sunday and stayed till Monday afternoon. He’s been practicing Kunlun Bliss for quite a while now, and I finally got to see firsthand what that entails. There were a few times before we went out to the Tree – that park down by Blaine and Mt. Vernon – and he let himself slip into ecstasy that I caught glimpses of bliss in him for no apparent reason and glimpses of a shared cosmic giggle, that repressed joke with no punchline that is the very heart of the Universe. We did some energy work Monday morning and he was twitching a little and repressing laughter. When we got to the Tree we hiked up for quite a while, got up very high where we could see almost all of Riverside – it was a beautiful, crisp day with Simpsons clouds floating by – and he proceeded in his practice.
I recall Sh. slipping into divine ecstasy at his center opening, but this was even more intense seeming. Of a different nature of course, more violently orgasmic, like kundalini rising and twisting him into all kinds of spontaneous yoga positions and mudras, heavy breathing and panting, laughing . I had a similar response when I saw Shyam collapse to the floor laughing; I was skeptical at first, questioning his sanity or at least his mental stability. I’ve never been one for hyper-emotional states, loud chanting – except for now, of course, in private – speaking in tongues and that seemingly gratuitous spirituality. Then after I knew he was okay – and as with Shyam, after I felt it too – I just did what I could do myself, meditated and channeled the AD. It was interesting to see his reactions to that energy. It would sometimes ground him, calm him down, sometimes cause him to make different sounds, etc. Standing very near him I could feel some of his bliss, but this is another transmission system that I don’t think you can tap into unless you’ve been initiated, of course.
I’m very jealous for this gift now, of course, like I desperately wanted to dig up five grand to go to India and go through the 21-day Oneness process after experiencing the bliss that Deeksha can open you up to. The Kunlun workshop is $300, seemingly well worth it. Strangely, in thinking about shelling out the money for it, I found myself feeling like my conception of a healer for possibly the first time; I actually thought, This would be a wonderful gift to myself, but would I be able to help heal others with it? That was in the bathroom by the Engineering building at UCR. I just spent $90 at the VIP on Saturday when we didn’t even want to go. I spent $118 at Stater brothers on some things we needed and the rest on food for a spontaneous barbecue at which no one even stayed for very long.
5/28/08 – So many questions. I’m going to consult the Tarot when I get home and hopefully I will have some answers. I’m so nervous about this venture and so ready to take a leap… I’ve had so many amazing experiences lately with Deeksha and my personal connection to AVN. My energetic sense is changing all the time. The Aka Dua has been a source of inspiration, wonder, and powerful healing for me and, I hope, others. I feel if I can break through with this feminine Kunlun energy [I no longer consider KL to be an energy] and really hurl myself into the Source for some dramatic healing whenever I so choose, it will transform my body, my vocational life, my spiritual life, my relationship with R., and my relationship with myself.
The master who teaches theses techniques and gives the transmission [Max Christensen] describes them as a path of self-enlightenment, self-teaching, and says that this was the way it used to be done in certain traditions. You plug into the Source and figure out your own way. That’s what I’ve always tried to do no matter how much I’ve read and taken from other people, other traditions, etc. I’ve always tried to make my own spiritual path, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job so far combining energy work, magic, shamanism, and spontaneous ritual. I can only imagine what would happen if I included this energy. Of course, more upheavals might occur as well. I have to be prepared to handle the consequences of bringing the divine down to earth and down to my life. I have to be prepared to see things I don’t want to see, things I’ve been avoiding. I have to be prepared to accept challenges and accept changes as they occur without fighting them. I need to surrender.
Yesterday either after or while activating my obsidian sphere I heard a voice say, “We must evolve in public.” I believe this was either a “higher” aspect of my personality or a message from somewhere else in response to my paranoia and concern over being “found out” while in the throes of healing. If indeed I choose to receive initiation into the Kunlun energy, I can only imagine what concern might arise over the twitching and flailing about and heavy breathing and possibly speaking in tongues. I’ll have to explain it all to R. so he doesn’t call an ambulance thinking I’m having a seizure. I was concerned over Nick’s behavior for a while, and that concern grew when I saw two hikers coming down a path off in the distance. I started thinking, “Can they see us? Do they see us? What if they see us?” and so on. So I remained fixed, standing upright, and did my thing. Our setting was public but certainly not as public as the aforementioned phrase implies; I believe it means, at least as it regards me personally, that I have to make my transformations known, that I have to evince my own evolution. And in all practical ways, that means simply energizing my food in public, meditating and practicing in public – in the park mountains, in the meditation room at UCR, perhaps even setting up a healing booth somewhere – playing my flute in public, etc. I’ve always thought that the benefits that might come from a middle path – walking both paths in a sense; not giving up one’s self wholly to the material by way of overachieving nor to the spiritual by way of renunciation – would be in the ability to bridge, merge, or integrate both paths and therefore reach more people in the end. “… all things to all men.”
Incredible dreams this morning. They’ve been popping back up in my mind all day. I’m going to clear my head and try to remember the images more clearly; it’s 1:42 PM.
The first impressions that comes to mind that was present in all the dreams was a great feeling of expansiveness and space. Usually my dreams are focused in very small space and I’m only aware of certain important things at once. I remember having a very wide perspective while watching these dreams, as though I were watching a wide-screen TV.
The second thing to note is that I was not myself in these dreams. I was me, of course, but I was a completely different character with different features and traits, and I was not operating from the split perspective of being the subject while simultaneously watching the subject; I was this other character fully.
The dream that stands out most in my mind is being imprisoned or locked up in a large white room with bookshelves and cabinets that seemed to belong in an old Victorian style house. I felt skinnier and more attractive with slightly long dark brown hair and large eyes, white skin. I felt as though I belonged to a family of prominence, like we were WASPS, and I was being held in a mental institution. There was the sense that I had done something wrong or that it was believed I had done something wrong. It felt like I had killed our father in a drunk driving accident on the way to a party one night. I remember fumbling around next to a white desk – some sense of plants, soil – and eventually this tall and skinny, slightly haggard white woman – who I felt was my sister – with probably dyed yellow blonde hair and over-tanned skin came through the door with trepidation carrying an 8′/11′ sheet of white paper, and her son – presumably my nephew – trailed by her right side. I fell to the floor and reached out to her in anguish, as though I hadn’t seen nor touched another human being in years. The feeling was immensely strong – I actually felt the aching in my stomach, the longing in my kidneys to hold her and be held by her. As I strained forward on the floor, she waved her finger in front of me, indicating no, and then she put her finger to her lips indicating my silence. She handed me the piece of paper. I read it, a list of names, high-sounding people in a computer cursive font, broken down into familial categories. I remember smiling at it even though I didn’t understand what it was, searching for some solace in what seemed the only piece of evidence of the outside world I had seen in years. She said something that meant to me, eventually, that those were the people that would have come to the party that night, but now they’re going to daddy’s funeral.
I don’t remember the transition. I know the boy spoke to me briefly. Then I remember being alone again and furiously searching through the white desk, which now had strips of oak on it in places. I rifled through the drawers, searching for something. Eventually – I don’t know what happened or what I did – but a light shot across the front edge of the desk in a horizontal line and broke it open or unlocked it magically. I was ecstatic and I immediately opened the deep bottom left drawer and began to search through it, thinking, “Where’s the ring? Where’s the ring? I have to find the ring.” Eventually I found a small plastic baggie with screw and nuts in it, and at the bottom I found a simple, slim, and beautiful gold ring with a single diamond set in it. Somehow this was my salvation, I knew, and everything was okay and the dream ended, I think.
Today after my first class, I found a small diamond on the floor. I’m sure it’s fake; it has scratches on one side, but wow.
The rest of my dreams from this morning aren’t really coming through. There were scenes of large banquets in huge halls and once again the feeling of being part of a prominent family, of having prestige and power, and this all being perfectly natural.